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What do I do with the naked awareness of my terrifying self- doubt and my utter failure in the incubation ritual? I become paralyzed and unable to "see." Dreams quite often portray myths which relate to primal traumas which seemed life-threatening at the time. Our methods of dealing with these survival situations often determine how we deal with anxiety throughout life. Gordon consistently encouraged me to face my central fear and to give up my constant struggle of pleasing to protect myself from my vulnerable child. I believe that the ability to transform how I face anxiety is crucial for allowing real change through dream incubation. I can either move forward and open to the new experiences or retreat and defend until the next inevitable encounter. My guide helps me learn how to face the intense resistance and to flow with the Unknown. My inner voice keeps catapulting me to the painful edge of the Pit of Emptiness. Alan: 0 jagged pit, you have wounded me with your cruel rejection. All I do is please you in panic of your thorns in my heart. Pit of Emptiness: I am the endless black chamber that clutches at your drowning, your febrile little brain. I grip you with my inrushing tide of self-doubt. You have lost your awareness of your meaning dream. I have swallowed your will. Now I will say what you will and what you won't. Alan: You wretched gadfly. I will battle you. I will stand my ground. You have flayed me alive with your negation. I point my naked terror at you in defiance that is all my own. I will rip your black veil open into clear light. The blazing shine will melt you into India ink. Pit of Emptiness: My death black jaws are inordinate. Your light is but the night gleam of a cat's eyes. I cast a spell of torpor on you. You will never complete your incubation. You will cower inside your egg in cramped servitude to me. Alan: I will fight you. I lash out at you with my limbs and with my words. Your terror will not kill me. I can fight back. Inside the redwood faerie ring, after having my "meaning slips away" dream, I was miserable. I had just lost my vision. I had lost my inner voice. What could I do? I couldn't think of anything. I had failed. How could I face Gordon? How could I face myself? I lay awake. By candle light, I finished reading Carlos Castaneda's Tales of Power. Don Juan's voice was very clear: Only if one loves this earth with unbending passion, can one release one's sadness. The sorcerer's explanation cannot at all liberate the spirit. You have gotten the sorcerer's explanation, but it doesn't make any difference that you know it. You are more alone than ever, because without an unwavering love for the being that gives you shelter, aloneness is loneliness. The love for this splendorous being can give you joy . . . and abandon in the face of any odds. That is the last lesson. It is always left 31
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